Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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