Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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