I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
