Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
