Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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