Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
