sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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