I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
