I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
