dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Houston, we have a blender
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
