my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
