i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
