A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
