Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
