bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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