Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
