can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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