My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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