i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
