we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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