Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
