I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
