There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
