Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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