drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
