The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
