Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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