you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
