I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Pooping to opera.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
