Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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