I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
