Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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