I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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