So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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