there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
