a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
