you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
