Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
