I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
