the condom got lost in my hair
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
