Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
