By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
