I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
