i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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