I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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