Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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