the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Randomize
