some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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