his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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