I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
