His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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