the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
