accomplished twins. life is a go
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
