I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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