You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
