my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I sprained my soul last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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