dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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